| it seemed like for the past half year or so eveyrone was breaking up. but now it feels like everyone around me is getting together with someone!! and theres a new relationship everyday on facebook lol =P
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| I think ive entered this new stage of my life where i just wanna do what i wanna do without having to think about what my little bubble of a world thinks. Ive always been pretty much a good kid.. u know like nothing too crazy. but recently ive been feeling extremely trapped and suffocated, as if im not experienceing as much from life as i want to. I guess in the back of my mind, theres always that society of "home" that i always have to think about: what will my parenst think.. what will that whole asian community in general think? and as the stereoype goes (its true), asians are way more conservative. i mean, even now, i dont know what my parents think about sex, or if they even think i'm having sex. its just one of those topics that u don't ever bring up unless u want to be put in a VERY awkward position.
So this year has been a huge i guess stepping stone for me of discovering reality. Ive been so protected my entire life, and brainwashed into thinking the smallest things are horrible and evil, and things that most people in the US do all the time, are "bad." Smoking weed is 'bad." yeah, its illegal, but we're in california.. even specifically norcal. i can confidently say that the majority of the population has all smoked weed at some point in their life. or at least college students. people who are sexuality active. i guess its only acceptable if you're not asian cuz i know that if my parenst or anyone else in my community knew some person, guy or girl but more so if you're a girl, who was sleeping around, they'd have the stamp of slut all over their face. PLUS asian moms have a tendency to gossip and spread rumors, so everyone would know. this is another one. a non-married person haveing a child. see i used to think this was SO horrible, because i never knew anyone in my life who was my age and has a kid. wen i came to college and was taking human development and developmental psych classes, that was when i found out how COMMON it is for teenagers or even ppl in early twenties to have kids. also, dating.. how do asian parents expect their kids to date? i really wonder how my paresnt think im supposed to date people. because again, this is something that my parents and i have never talked about. In all those TV shows about girls- sex in the city, friends- the girls all go out, meet ppl, have sex with the guy, and if it works out, they do it again. BUt they dont judged by society as sluts- they're just out having fun and dating people.
ive recently started to feel really trapped by the morals and values of my chinese heritage because sometimes the things that i want to do are 'bad" in their eyes, which makes me feel guilty. if you know me at all, im very close with my family and my parents. However, there are things i know they would never approve of not necessarily because they're REALLY bad, but just because it is taboo in asian society. i guess i really want to break out of this shell and just not even have to worry about how society at home would judge me. I guess this has been troubling me so much because in the end, i still am seeking for approval. i want to know that its "ok" for me to do these things and that i don't have to feel bad about it.
recently, i have felt SO free, and just completely released. at the same time... im dreading going home for spring break because i hate lying to my parents, and at the same time i know they would never want to hear whats making me so happy. this conflict betwen what is acceptable to them, and what i want to do is just really eating me away, because i really value what my parents think. but at the same time, i want them to be able to accept me for who i am and what i want to do. i guess a part of me just also wants to be rebellious since ive never really done anything against my parents.
I've also realized that i just dont know how to be single. i think im just too used to havin someone there allll the time for me... so being single in itself is weird to me.
BUT PARENTS ASIDE, i am super happy =) things are going really well... and i hope things are going well for everyone else too ^^
on another note.. finals are comin up.. so FUCK. but i only have 2 finals this quarter ekeke so yay
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